PR SI 87 
18^8 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




014 528 311 5 



PR 5187 
.P4 05 
1848 
Copy 1 




THE OMNIBUS. 

Tom. Lauk, uncle, where are \ou froingr to ? 

Ledger. [Slapping on his hat. and seizing Julia's arm, which he draws within 
his 0W7I.] To a convenient distance ! one of the most remote settlements on the 
Sw an River ! Act I. Scene I. 



THE MINOR DRAMA 
No. XXVI. 



THE OMNIBUS. 

21 favtt 



IN ONE ACT 



ALSO THE STAGE BUSINESS, CASTS OF CHARACTERS, 

COSTUMES, RELATIVE POSITIONS, ETC. 



NEW YORK : 
DOUGLAS, NO. 11 SPRUCE ST 

AND FOR SALE BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. 

1848. 
PRICE 121 CENTS. 






z^^r^i" 



EDITORIAL INTRODUCTION. 

'* The Omnibus, or, A Convenient Distance," is an adap' 
tation from an old and once popular farce called *' Cherry 
Bounce," and was produced during the zenith of Power's fame, 
with his alterations, at Drury Lane Theatre. 

The original cast of this trifle was what might have been call- 
ed, in theatrical parlance, a strong one — comprising the names of 
W. Planchard as Ledger, Bartley as Mr. Dobhs, Little Keeley 
as his hopeful, free-and-easy son and heir, Tom Dohhs, and the 
gifted Power as Pat Rooney — and it required all this latter 
talented artist's powers to make the blundering, good-natured, 
mischief-making, impertinent domestic, the feature of the farce. 

In this country there have been, and are several delineators of 
Irish character, who occasionally figure as Pat Rooney. Among 
the best, we must class John Brougham and Barney Williams — 
the one, an established and well-deserved favorite ; the other, a 
talented, industrious, popular, and fast-rising actor. 

The Omnibus, well played, will always furnish most '» excel- 
lent food for mirth," and is likely to retain its position among the 
best modern acting farces of the day 



► V CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Ches., Phil., 1833. Park, 1837. Park, 18-J8 

Pat Rooney Mr Power. Mr. Power. Mr. Brougham. 

Mr. Ledger " Faulkner. " Fisher. " Bridges. 

Mr. Dobbs " Watson. " Povey. " Povey. 

Master Tom Dobbs " Hadaway. " Placide. " W. Chapman. 

Farrier's Boy " Eberle. " Russell. Master Eustace. 

Julia Ledger Mrs, Walstein. Miss Tunibull. Miss Miles. 

Mrs. Dobbs " Thayer. Mrs. Durie. Mrs. Barry, 

Miss Damper " Broad. " Archer, Miss Flynn. 

Miss Jem-a Damper, Miss Lopez. " Conway, Mrs. Burrows. 



COSTUMES. 

ROONEY.— A gray coatee, red waistcoat, white or gray psntalooos, very short, 
striped stockings, shoes and buckles, close cut wig. 

LEDGER — Brown coat, satin embroidered waistcoat, black breeches, light stock- 
ings, shoes and buckles 

DOBBS. --Drab old man's coat, flap waistcoat, top boots, hat, and cane. 

TOM.—Scarlet round-about jacket, buttoned close, boy's friiled shirt over his shoul- 
ders, naukeen irowsers, rather short, buttoned over his jacket. 

FARRIER'S BOY. — Dirty gray jacket, waistcoat, breeches, shoes and etockii^, 
leather apron. 

JULIA— White frock, red sash. 

MRS. DOBBS.— Respectable old lady's dress, bonnet, and shawl. 

TWO MISS DAMPERS.— Genteel Padies' street dresses, bonaets wid shawl». 



EXITS AND ENTRANCES. 

R. means Right ; L. Left; R. D. Right Door; L. D. Left Door , 
S. E. Second Entrance; U. E. Upper Entrance; M. D. Middle Door. 

RELATIVE POSITIONS. 

R., mewa^ Right; l,.,Left; C, Centre; ^. C, Right of Centre; 
L. C, Left of Centre. 



THE OMNIBUS 



ACT I. 

Scene I. — A Hall in a country box, wfiich serves as the 
ar^artment in general use. The road, with a patch oj 
garden in front, is seen through glazed folding doors. 
There are lateral doors on the right and left 3d e. A 
huffet, on one side, is open, displaying some ornamental 
china, hooks, packets of papers, Sfc; on the top are some 
pasteboard boxes, variously labelled, " Bills," Receipts,'* 
&fc. A cheffionier and table stand opposite the buffet ; 
on the table are pens, ink, and paper ; inside the chef- 
fionicr is a plum cake, already cut. Another table stands 
in the centre of the apartment, upon which lie a clothes- 
brush and long-handled feather duster — on each side ?> 
a chair. 

Enter Ledger, c, at the garden gate, followed by Julia. 

hedg. (l.) I won't : it's no use talking to me, Julia — 
Pat Rooney is a stupid, blundering blockhead ! Tiy him 
again, indeed.! 

Jul. (r.) Only for a week, sir. 

Ledg. Not an hour ! I'm plagued enough as it is, with- 
out him. Didn't 1 buy this cottage ornee, as you call it, 
to enjoy myself in peace and comfort ? Brought down 
my books and papers from the counting-house, and set up 
a gig to drive about and see the country ? 

Jul. Well, sir, has it not answered your expectations ? 

Ledg. No ! Talk of retirement — -I might as well live 
in 'Change alley : I never sit down to settle my accounts 
but ring goes the bell, and it's " How do ye do ?" "How 



€ THE OMNIBUS. [Act I. 

are you ? — couldn't pass the door without giving you a 
call !" 

Jul. Why, we live at such a convenient distance, sir — 

Ledg. Ha ! that's the word — convenient distance. De- 
vilisl? convenient! One w^ould think I kept an ordinary. 
^wZ. But'xqji;iike to segyour friend*s, sir? 
^^edg^Yes — at other people's houses. 

Jul. \ ou breathe the pure country air, sir. 

Ledg. No, I don't ! Never open my mouth but I swal- 
low a cloud of dust ! 

Jul. You observe the procuress of vegetation. 

Ledg. Not I : I've w^atched the holly-bush in front of 
the house every morning for a week, and hang me if it 
has grown an inch ! 

Jul. But we were talking of Rooney, sir. 

Ledg. I know it : do you want him to knock up ano- 
ther horse, and stuff another poll parrot with mealy po- 
tatoes ? 

Jul. Those were accidents, sir. 

Ledg. But he's so devilish saucy, and so provoking . 
does mischief without end^ and tells me Fm the cause of 
all his blunders ! Cries out, when he has done some 
damned mischief, "There you go, again !** 

J71I. I grant he is a little too familiar, but he does not 
mean to be impertinent ; he's as simple and unsophistica 
ted as a child, and honest as he's light-hearted. 

Ledg. Well, he shall stay, then, upon trial, and I'll 
practise patience. But, Julia, my dear, you must break 
fast by yourself this morning; I'm going to be very busy 
— ^balance my books, write letters, and so forth. 

Jul. And Rooney ? 

Ledg. Oh, he may appear — I forgive him : he may show 
his cursed, impudent, giinning, Irish face, as soon as he 
pleases. 

Jul: Thanks, my dear father; many, many thanks. 

[Exit Ledger, l. s. e. 

Rooney stretches his head from \st wing, l., watching 
Ledger off. 

Jul. You may come in, Rooney, 

Boon. Och ! Miss Juli, the blessings of a poor hapless 
prphan be upon you ! May you live tbis hundred yeoi:*, 



ScEWE I.] The omnibus. 7 

and never want a friend, or a husband at your back, ei- 
ther. How nate you coaxed him ! 

Jul. No easy matter, I can tell you, Rooney, to coax 
him. 

Roon. Coax a cat from a herrin'. 

Jul. But be careful, Rooney : if you make him angry 
again you will certainly lose your place. 

Roon. Never fear, Miss Juli, never fear ; I'll kape the 
ould boy plazed, if I can. 

Jul. I should be sorry to lose you, Rooney ; so pray be 
< areful with my father for my sake. [Exit, r. s. e. 

Roon. Hoo ! I'm hired agin ! If the gray mare wasn't 
off her stomach the master would have nothin' to com- 
plain of this day, I'll engage; and if she was well, I'd 
have nothin' else to trouble me.jj^The bell at the gate/2/ 
rings.] If they're in a hurry mey'll ring Siga.in^[Bell 
rings.] Och, burn the bell ! that sets him wild iSirely. 
[Goi?ig, meets Farrier's Boy, at c. gate, who enters with a 
pint hottle.] Who's outside I 

Boy. Me. - . 

R-oon. (c.) Yis, but who was that pulUn' the bell ? 
Boy. (l.) Why, me, to be sure. 

Roon. So, it's yourself, is it ? Is it for the like of you 
to be puhin' at gate bells ] I think you might have got 
over the wall, nor have dirtied your face. 

Boy. I've brought the physic for the gray mare. 

[Gives it. 
Roon. The what — the physic ? Now, are you sure 
you've made no blunders, and that it wasn't intinded for 
a gray horse ? 

Boy. No, no ; I tell you it's all right, but plaguy strong. 
Don't let your master see it, or he'll think the gray mare 
is at death's door. 

Roon. But where d'ye get it ? 

Boy. Where did I get it ? Why, master makes it, and 
I takes it. 

Roon. You take it, do you 1 Do you take much of it? 
Boy. Ah ! you fool — ha ! ha ! ha ! Good-bye, Paddy 
— good-bye, Paddy ! Ha ! ha ! Paddy from Cork! 

Roon. Paddy ! Get out, you dirty raff you ! [He seizes 
the feather duterfrom the taMe to strike the Boy, who runs 
tj' at c. gate, mocking him\ Only to think o' the black- 



8 The OMNfBUS. [Act I. 

guard comin' to the front gate ! By the powers, here 
comes the masther ! What'll 1 do with the bottle of the 
gray mare's physic 1 [Pretends to busy himself about the 
bi/ffet, and slips the bottle into it.] He'll ask me no ques- 
tions, and I'll tell him no lies. 

Enter Ledger, l. s. e. 

Poor ould boy, I'll not be over hard on him : he seems 
ashamed of himself, 

hcdg. So, there he is, and afraid to look me in the face. 

Roon. [Looking round.] Poor man ! He sames migh- 
ty sorry for what he has done, and ashamed to spake. 

Ledg. I must encourage him. — Come here. 

Roon. What, you're there, are ye 1 

Ledg. Come here, gioor fellow. 

Roon. I don't knowTnat I will, after all the tricks you've 
been^bout playin' me. 

Ledg. Well, Rooney, think no more of what's past. 

Roon. I don't bear malice for trifles. 

Ledg. But only let us endeavour to understand each 
other in future. 

Roon. That's enough, sir — that's enough : it isn't dacent 
for the likes o' you to be askin' my pardon all day. 

Ledg. I ask your pardon ! 

Roon. 1 forgive you, sir, with all my heart. 

Ledg. You forgive me ! 

Roon. Out an out ! right on end ! Och, Pm not the 
boy to bear malice ; so make your mind asy, sir, and don't 
say another word about it. 

Ledg. Well, I've determined not to be i-uffled, if I can 
help it : but if this is what Julia calls being unsophistica- 
ted, I shall hardly put up long with it. — Rooney, endea- 
vour to be a little more careful, and continue to keep my 
room in this nice order, and I shall always keep my tem- 
per. 

Roon. I'm mighty glad to hear you say that, sir, for, by 
my soul, there's gieat need of it. [He takes the clothes 
brush, and brushes Ledger^ s coat while speaking. 

Ledg. What's that, sir? 

Roon. Always ballyragging his sei-vants. 

Ledg. I ballyrag my servants, fellow ? 

Roon. Cursiu' and swearin'. 



8c£«rl; I.] 



THE OMNIBUS. 



^^dg. What, I curse and swear ? 

Roon. Like a drunken hussar. 

Led.g. Why, you infernal — 

Roon. There ye go again — where have ye been ? 

Ledg. What's that to you ? 

Roon. Och ! it's a sad thing to see an ould gintleman 
fly out and disgrace himself before his servants. You 
shall have no cause to complain of me, sir, whatever you 
may do of yourself. [Brushes the curls of Ledger's wig. 

Ledg. Eh, what now — what the devil ! 

Roon. A cobweb, sir; only a cobweb sticking to your 
best wig, sir : that's a sure sign of luck all the world over. 

Ledg. A sign of luck ! 

Roon. Yes, sir ; I'll be bail you'll have plinty o' money 
in your pocket this day, and all your friends and relations 
about ye. 

Ledg. Friends and relations — the devil take 'em ! I 
hope not. [Crosses to r. 

Roon. It's such a convanient distance, sir — just tin miles 
from London ; so, if two of 'em walk down at once it will 
be only five miles a piece. 

Ledg. Confound it, I never thought of that. 

Roon. Then the coaches, sir — think of the coaches and 
the omnibuses, sir; think of the omnibuses, sir ! as long 
and as full as the wards of a hospital ! Och, we'll have 
the house as full as a tick ! 

Ledg. Rooney, if any one rings at that infernal bell to- 
day, don't let 'em in : say I'm not at home. 

Roon. Not at home ! Are you going out 1 

Ledg. No matter ; say I'm not at home. 

Roon. Where are ye going] 

Ledg. I'm not going anywhere, booby ! 

Roon. Och, fie ! would you tache an innocent young 
crature to be telling lies 1 And the house like a lantern, 
too — they can see every sowl that's in it. 

Ledg. Augh ! that's tnie enough. AVell, well, go and 
take in my daughter's breakfast. 

Roon, She's had her breakfast. 

Ledg, No, she has not had her breakfast. 

Roon. But she has, though. 

Ledg. Wliy, you impudent — 

Roon. I took it myself 



10 THE OMNIBUS. 



fAcTL 



Lecdg. Why, I certainly heard her bell ring. How 
came her bell to ring. 

Roon. Pullin' at it. 

Ledg. But what did she want, pulling at it ? 

Roon. Why, I 'spose she wanted me. 

Ledg. Then, why the devil don't you go to her? 

Roon. I've been to her, half an hour ago : she wants 
some coffee for her tay. 

Ledg. Then why don't you take her coffee for her tay, 
and be damned to you ? 

Roon. There ye go again ! How can I, if ye keep me 
palaverin' here 1 

Ledg. Wei], only go — that's all. ^ Sits r. of table.] Oh, 
dear ! — Stop : bring me my toast and milk at the same 
time — do you hear ? 

Roon. I do : [Leaning over tahle, l.] ye want your 
toast and milk for your sop 1 

Ledg. What is it to you ? Bring my jug of milk and 
dry toast. 

Roon. Dry toast — won't you sop it 1 

Ledg. Why, you tormenting, stupid — you — 

Roon. Asy, now ! — And no butter on it? 

Ledg. Exactly — toast without butter, and my jug of 
new milk. 

Roon. Any thing else ? 

Ledg. No — yes — here, take away these things. 

Roon. Is it the brush '] 

Ledg. Yes, and this — take it away too. 

Roon. Ye'll want it to kill flies wid. 

Ledg. I don't want to kill flies to-day — so take it away. 

Roon. I'm bothered ! I don't know what to do. 

Ledg. Rooney, I want to write. 

Roon. Well, I've no objection — wiite away. 

Ledg. But where are my pens, ink, and paper l 

Roon. There they are, all on that table. 

Ledg. But, if you please, I'll have them on this table. 

Roon. Well, bring 'em when you want 'em. 

Ledg. Will you bring them here, rascal 1 

Roon. You always write on this table. 

Ledg. I know ; but now I'll write on this table. 

Roon. At the same time 1 

Ledg. Nonsense 1 — Eh, who has been arranging my 
books and boxes ? 



iCBWr I.] THB OMNIBUS. 11 

Roon. Myself, sir. [Places ink and paper before Ledger ; 
on the quire of paper are two loose sheets.] Myself it was— 
Och, Pat's the boy for nateness, any how. 

Ledg. Well, I'm glad to see this : you have turned 
over a new leaf, indeed. 

Roon. Indeed then I have, sir : I turned over plenty o* 
laves before I'd done wid 'em. You left all your papers 
bottom over top, like a litter of pigs, and work enough I 
had to set 'em to rights. 

Ledg. Set 'em to rights ! My papers 1 

Roon. Every sowl of 'em — many thanks to myself for 
the trouble. — But Miss Juli wants her tay, poor thing ! 
['11 be wid you again wid the speed o' light. [Exit, l. 

Ledg. Now, that fellow means well ; but it's devilish 
hard that I'm to be the victim of his over caution. [Look- 
ing up at boxes which (M-e placed on top of the buffet, and 
reading labels.] Bills — receipts — ^letters ; ha ! I thought 
so: the box I'm always most in want of, stuck on the ve- 
ly top of that buffet. This comes of his careful setting 
to rights ! I'd need have a ladder to reach it [Mounts a 
chair.] without spraining my back, or getting the cramp 
in my-legs.^[iJe reaches on tiptoe to get down the box — a 
tray, covered with china, which stood on the top of it, slides 
over his head, and is strewed upon the floor.] What, the 
devil ! does it rain cups and saucers ? Rooney ! [Gets off" 
the chair.] If this isn't another of that fellow's precau- 
tions, I'll be hanged ! Rooney — Rooney, I say ! Twen- 
ty pounds gone crash — oh, dear ! Rooney ! 

Enter Rooney, l., with a small coffee-pot, cup and saucer^ 
jug of milk, dry toast, SfC, on a tray. 

Roon. Don't inteiTupt me, sir — Miss Juh has ordered 
coffee for her tay, and it'll be as cowld as my grandmo- 
ther ! 

Ledg. Come here, you torment — come here directly ! 

Roon. [Setting down toast and jug on table.] Wait till I 
put down your toast and milk, sir. What'll I do with the 
things 1 

Ledg. Put them down. 

Roon. Put 'em down, where ? 

Ledg. Any where — on the floor — oh, dear ! 

Roon. What's the matter ? 



12 THE OMNIBUS [Am I. 

Ledg. Come here, you rascal ! Tell me, where did 
you put that invaluable set of china that I purchased last 
week as a present for my daughter? 

Roon. What, the infalhble cups and saucers 1 Och, 
don't be uneasy, sir: it would take a longer pair o' shanks 
than you ever stood upon to raich where I put 'em. 

Ledg. And where did you put 'em ? 

Roon. Safe and snug, sir, on the top o' the buffet. 

Ledg. You did ? then go and find 'em ! Twenty gui- 
neas gone in tlie twinkling of an eye ! 

Roon. \Crosses to r., turning, and seeing the pieces. "^ Och, 
what, you've been at it again, have you? [Laughs.] I 
couldn't have made a better smash of it myself — What 
the devil came over you ? — Here you are again — ho ! ho ! 

Ledg. Blockhead ! how could you stick a set of china 
up there ? f^Bell rings at hack. 

Roon. Och, murther ! CompEmy at the door, and we 
taken at a nonplush ! HurrVj sir, huny, now, and help 
me to pick up the splmtevs/^ Bell rings again.] Coming, 
you divils ! There ! bad '^ck to the chany ! Coming, 
coming ! [Ledger walks about, agitated. Rooney pushes 
the tray, icith fragments, under the table, as tljj^ hell ri ni^s ^ 
again, and runs off, l. u. e., as a voice calls ^'xloiloa /^' — 
A dog barks. 

Ledg. Oh, dear, oh, dear ! This is all simplicity, I sup- 
pose. It's no use to grumble — I must endure it : but if 
I haven't a straight waistcoat on before night — 

Enter Rooney, l. it. e. 
Well ? 

Roon. (r.) It's your nevy, sir — it's Masther Tom, sir. 

Ledg. (l.) My nephew ! What, Tom Dobbs ? 

Roon. That same, sir, come a couitin* to Miss Juli, I 
'spose. 

Ledg. Courting, indeed — a mere child ! What the de- 
^dl brought him here ? 

Boon. His own carriage, sir — as ugly a little pair o* 
legs as ever ye clapped your good-looking eyes on. [Step- 
ping back, he upsets breakfast things.] There ! you see 
what you've made me do, now ! For fear you'll be mak- 
ing more mischief, I'll take 'em into Miss Juli's room at 
once. [ Exit, with 4ray, r. s. e. 



THE OMNIBUS. 18 

Ledg. Now, I must be (nvil to this boy, or his mother 
M'ill be offended. j^^lDog barks without. 

Enter Tom, l. u. e., alarmed, looJcing hehind him, down r. 

Tom. (r.) What a devil of a dog ! He's like a wild 
beast. — Oh, uncle, I'm so glad to see you ! 
Ledg. (L.) Are you ? 

To7n. Yes, very ; but I don't like that dog, 
Ledg. Oh, you needn't be afl'aid of him — he wouldn't 
harm a child, 

Tom. Wouldn't he ! But he tried, though — caught 
me just here by my best nankeeners. What a nice house 
you have got, and at such a convenient distance, too. Do 
you know, I walked it quite easy. But I'm so hungry! 
I haven't had a bit o' breakfast, except three twopenny 
rolls and a pint o' rum and milk at Hammersmith, just to 
stay my stomach. 

Ledg. [Aside.^ Here's a precious interruption ! — Well, 
Tom, you shall breakfast with your cousin Julia, in the 
next room, I'm going to be very busy, and wish to be 
alone. 

STom. Oh, you needn't stand upon ceremony with me, 
uncle ; I'll make myself quite at home. 
Ledg. Indeed ! 

Tom. Mamma said you'd be delighted to see me. 
Ledg. Did she 1 

Tom. Yes ; and that you'd be affronted if I didn't come 
while the strawberries were in, 

Ledg. [Aside.] This will never do : I must go ten miles 
further down the road, 

Tom. I hope Julia won't be affronted too, for I shall 
soon be big enough to be married, and then we can live 
so comfortably with you, uncle — can't we ? You mean 
to leave us all you have, you know, when you hop the 
twig ! 

Ledg. Hop the twig — leave you all I have ! And who 
told you so. Master Tom ? 
Tom. My mamma, 
Ledg. Pleasant, upon my soul ! 

Tom, But, uncle, I don't want you to die just yet : I 
can't bear a house where there has oeen a funeral — it 
makes things so uncommon uncomfortable, 

R 



]4 



THE OMNinUsi. fA-CT L 



Lcdg. [Aside.] Curse me, if this lout isn't more provok- 
ing than Pat Rooney !y 

Enter Rooney, r. s. e. 

Roon. [r., suppressing a laugh.] Oh, Masther Tom, I've 
got Miss Juh's compliments for you, and her sarvice in a 
cup of tay. 

Lcdg. (l.) Ay, ay, go in, Tom ; and I'll have a letter 
for you to take back directly. I'll not keep you here a 
moment longer than I can help. 

Tgju. Don't hurry on my account, uncle ; you may 
dine as late as ever you like. 

Ledg. Dine ? 

Tom. Yes ; but you must shut up that great dog, though. 

Ledg. What, Tiger % 

Tom. Because if he barks in the night, you know, I 
shan't get a wink of sleep. 

Lcdg. Sleep ! 

Roon. Slape is it ? 

Tom. Sleep ! yes, to be sure. Do people that live in 
the country lie awake all night ] Oh, my ma won't like 
that. 

Roon. His mamma ! Och, the poor little cratur ! His 
mamma ! 

Lcdg. But, Tom, this is a pleasure we didn't expect. 

Tojn. Oh, you needn't mind me, uncle ; any snug room 
that's well aired, with a pleasant prospect, will do for me 
— so that I've a good bed and plenty of pillows. First 
come, first sei'ved, you know ; and as this is Saturday, 
you'll have your house crammed full to-morrow. 

Roon. The house full ! — Didn't I say so ! Och, it's my- 
self that loves a power of company, and plinty o' good 
atin' and drinkin' — hoo ! [Sings and capers. 

Ledg. [ Vexed.] Rooney ! 

Roon. Ax pardon, sir — no offence : I'm covered all over 
wid blushes. 

Lcdg. Rooney ! take my nephew into the next room ; 
take him away directly, or I shall say something unplea- 
sant — do something uncommon : I'm getting bilious. 

Roon. Come along, my dear, and I'll take care of you 

Tom. But stop a bit : I've got two letters for uncle. 

Ledg. Letters'? 



SCERE I.] 



THE. OMNIBUd. 15 



Tom. Yes ; your clerk said thdi'e were fifty pounds in 
that. 

Roon. Fifty pounds ! Och, the cobweb, sir — didn't I 
tell you the luck of it % 

Lcclg. Do go along, and let me have five minutes to 
myself 

Roon. Five minutes — yes, sir. ^Ledger sits at the table.] 
Now, my darlin', come wid me, and I'll show you the rab- 
bits, and the ould gray mare, and the poll parrot, and all 
the rest of the lions. 

Tom. Lions ! Oh, my ! does uncle keep lions 1 

Roon. That he does; and pigs, ducks, and other pet 
Iambs, into the bargain. Don't you see miss Juli, waitin* 
for you in the next room 1 

To?7i. Lauk, so she is. How pretty she is — and what 
a nice plate of toast and butter she's got. How d'ye do, 
cousin Julia ] — I'm coming. [Exit, R. s. e. 

Roon. Och, the broth of a boy ! If Miss Juli takes up 
with such a bit of a husband as that, by my sowl she'll 
have little enough to boast of! {Exit, r. s. e. 

Lcdg. Now, then, let me see. [Opens letter.] Ha! fifty 
pounds! Just in time — I hadn't sixpence in the house. 
[Lays money on writing paper.] But who the deuce is this 
from ? Postmark, Bordeaux. [Rtads?^ " Sare — I pre- 
sume" — what a cursed crow-quill hand ! I shall never be 
able to read it without my spectacles. Rooney ! — But no 
— I'll go for them myself: that fellow would be sure to 
break them. [Exit, l. s. e. 

Enter Rooney, r. s. e. 

Roon. Here I am, sir ! Eh — there's more of his tricks ! 
Sure I heard him call. Oho, to take away, I suppose. — 
[Approaching fable and seeing note.] Thunder and turf! 
see to this, now-: fifty pounds at the mercy of a high wind, 
and the garden door wide open ! As if he couldn't flip 
it into a shate of paper. [Puts it between the first loose 
sheet.] One would think he left his money about on pur- 
pose to get me into throuble. [Sits l. of table. 

Enter Ledger, with spectacles l. s. e. 

Ledg. A fine joke, truly — lend money to a man I ne- 
ver saw three times in my life ! " Pray enclose a remit- 
tance by return of post, &c., &;c., John Jack Fripon." 



IS THE OMNIBUS. [Act I. 

Never heard of such cool impudence since the hour I was 
bom. [Crosses to r.] Rooney, take away those things, and 
bring me a candle. 

Roon. (l.) a candle — lighted? 

Lcdg. (r.) To seal a letter. 

Roon. Yes, sir. [Aside.] By my sow], he keeps my tin 
toes on the trot from mornin' till night. 

Ledg. Now, do make haste, will you ? [ Writes. 

Roon. I shall, sir ; and I hope, sir, you'll think o' the 
shoe leather when you come to pay my wages. 

[Exit ivith jug^ Sfc.y L. 

Lcdg. [Sits L. of table.] Yes, yes, Moounseer, I'll an- 
swer you in two lines. "Very sorry, but can't oblige." 
[Folds letter.] Theie's nothing in the world I hate so 
much as lending money — except giving it. [Directs it.] 
" John Jack Fripon — Marchand — Bordeaux." There, 
I've settled that business to my mind, at all events. Roon- 
ey, the candle ! 

Roon. [ Without.] Here they are, both safe. 

Enter Rooney, with two lighted candles ^ i.. 

Ledg. Why the devil did you bring two ? 

Roon. For fear one of 'em should go out, sir. Besides, 
didn't you get two letters, and won't you be sailing both 
the answers'? 

Ledg. Augh ! you're enough to vex a saint ! 

[Seals letter. 

Roon. There's no contintin' him, any how. I've a great 
mind to discharge myself 

Lcdg. There, that must go directly, or it will be too 
late for the foreign post. [Rooney takes letter.] I have a 
dozen more letters to write, so don't let me be internipt- 
ed on any account whatever. [AiLMwnihtifi 4*t vcen fa.drive. 
"itjjS^gate bell rings — dog barks.] Who the devil is that 1 
^Koon. It's an omnibus as long as Sackville street, just 
stopped at the front gate. 

Lcdg. Don't let 'em in — don't let me see a soul ! Say 
I can't see any one — I won't see any one ! [Rooney runs to 
the door, c. gate] I might as well keep the Star and Gar- 
ter on Richmond Hill, as be pestered in this way. A 
man's never safe ! I wish people would be a little more 
considei'ate. [Rooney returns icith bandboxes, ^c] Oh, 
something from town — is that nil ? 



SC£»£ I.l 



THE OMNIBUS. 17 



Roon. [Putting them down.] Not quite, sir. For Mr, 
Dobbs, sir. [Runs back from c. gate, 

Ledg. For Tom 1 Confound him, does he mean to 
stay here a month? Oh, I'll not suffer this — I'll send for 
the booby and tell him so. [RooTiey returns with a carpet 
bag, Sifc] Rooney, desire Mr. Dobbs to come here dii-ect- 

Roon. He's comin', directly he has paid the coachman. 

Ledg. Paid the coachman ! What, Tom ? 

Roon. No, sir; Master Tom's papa, sir. 

Ledg. Augh ! the devil ! [ Walks about vexed. 

Enter Dobbs, c. gate. 

Dobbs. (c.) Now, you clumsy dog, don't be staring at 
me, but take those bundles up into my room. 

Roon. Your room is it ? That'll be the garret, 1 fancy. 

Dobbs. Get out, you rascal, and do as you are ordered. 
Very familiar, 'pon my life ! What, you never saw me 
before 1 

Roon. Can't say I did, sir ; and the divil may welcome 
the stranger. 

Dobbs. Why, you impertinent scoundrel ! — 

Roon. 'M-anners — manners ! It's not the polish for one 
gintleman to take liberties wid another. — Scoundrel ! As 
many yards o' bad luck as will make you a coat, waist- 
coat, and breeches, Mr. Dobbs, and long life for you to 
wear 'em. Hoo ! scoundrel ! [Exit, r, 

Dobbs. 'Pon my life ! mast extraordinary fellow that. 

Ledg. [Advancing.] I'm glad he's come alone, however. 

Dobbs. Ah, Ledger, my old boy, how are you — how 
d'ye do ? Glad to see you, with all my heart ! You've a 
capital house here ; but a cursed saucy servant, I must 
say. Well, and how's Julia ? Nice house, indeed — de- 
lightful ! Why, I never saw you looking so well, or in 
better spirits ! 

Ledg. D'ye think so ? I never was more out of hu- 
mour. 

Dobbs. What, hyppish, eh ? Ha, always the way with 
people that can't bear to be alone : but we'll cheer you 
up, my old boy. I saw a beautiful loin of veal go into the 
house just now, and know you have some capital Port. 

Ledg. Yes — in London : I never drink wine in the 
courtly. 



18 THE OMNIBUS. [Act L 

Dohbs. Don't you ? Then wo'll drink it for you. 

Ledg. We] 

Dohhs. Yes : Tom's here, isn't he 1 

Ledg. Oh, yes ; and took care to come early enough. 

Dobbs. That was right ! Tell you how it was : your 
sister — my wife — Tom's mother — took a fancy in her head, 
last night, that a walk down the road would be of sei-vice 
to Tom, and that I should come after Tom from the 
Goose and Gridiron. Knew you'd be glad to see us — so 
here we are. — By the by, it's a most convenient distance, 
'pon my life ! Just enough to get an appetite without 
fatigue. 

Ledg. [Aside.\ I'll set fire to the house — I will — I must. 

Dobbs. And then the omnibus — 'pon my life, quite a 
luxury ! Sets one down at the very door. — But do give 
me a biscuit and a glass of wine, will you ? I'm almost 
famished : a ride after an early breakfast sets one's teeth 
on edge. 

Enter Tom Dobbs and Julia, r. s. e. 

Ha ! Tom, you dog — been making love to your sweet- 
heart, eh? How d'ye do, Julia? [Shaking hands. 

Tom. What, are you come without mamma, papa ? 

Ledg. \Aside.\ There's no help for it ? [To Julia.] Ju- 
lia, bring two or three glasses, will you ? — the smallest 
you can find. I must put the best face I can upon it ; but 
if ever I live at a convenient distance again, may the devil 
be my first visitor. 

Dobbs. Why, Julia, you're grown out of all knowledge 
— make two of Tom, 'pon my life ! [Julia brings glasses 
from buffet, and as Ledger brings cake from cheffionier, 
Tom takes a large piece as he passes. 

Ledg. [Aside.] That boy's quite a hog ! 

Dobbs. Tom, don't be greedy : we shall have luncheon 
presently, and you'll spoil your appetite. Ha ! this is 
just the thing — nothing I like better than plum cake. 

Ledg. Well, Dobbs, I'm very glad to s-ee — that is, I'm 
quite Sony you didn't bring your wife. 

[ To7n and Dobbs eat greedily. 

Dobbs. Thank you — knew you'd be delighted to see 
us ! 

Tom. Oh, uncle, you musn't talk to him when lie's eat- 



$C£N£ I.] 



THE OMNIBUS. 19 



ing ; the doct ^r says, we've both got such small swallows 
that it's quite dangerous to interrupt us at our meals. 

Ledg. Indeed ! 

Tom. Yes — I'll tell you how it was : mamma's never 
ready in time, you know, so we left them to come by 
themselves. 

Ledg. Them ! What do you mean by themselves ? 

Tom. Oh, lauk ! I forgot to tell you that ma sent her 
love to you, uncle, and as the two Miss Dampers were 
staying at our house, she'd do you the pleasure of inviting 
them to come with us. 

Ledg. How very kind ! ^ 

Tom. Wasn't it ! — This cake is uncommonly dry — how 
it sticks in my throat ! 

Ledg. [Aside.] I wish 'twould choke you ! 

Dobbs. Ledger, my boy, here's plenty of glasses, but 
nothing to drink. 

Tom. We must have something to wash it down, un- 
cle. 

Ledg. Well, curse me if this isn't — but no matter. Ju- 
lia, my dear, do bring me that bottle of Curagoa from the 
buffet, will you % It's the only bottle in there. 

Dobbs. Curagoa! the best thing going — real Amster- 
dam ! Cura^oa is the best thing in the world for my com- 
plaint ! [Julia goes to the buffet and brings bottle of physic. 

Ledg. Ah, you'll not get such as this eveiy day — cost 
me eighteen shillings a bottle. [Aside?)^ I shall grudge 'em 
every drop ! [ Tom takes a glass — Ledger Jills it. 

Dobbs. Looks very dark, upon my life — uncommonly 
dark. Monstrous powerful, I dare say. Mind what you're 
about, Tom — half a glass is quite enough for you. 

Tom. I don't quite like the smell of it, uncle. 

Ledg. Not like the smell ! Why, it's a perfect nosegay ! 

Dobbs. [Having bolted his glass.] Infernally strong, to 
be sure — augh ! 

Ledg. Yes, it soon warms the stomach. 

Tom. [Having drunk.] Warms ! oh, dear — oh, lauk ! 
Why, it burns like fire ! 

Dobbs. Yery odd flavour — got a sort of a twang that — 
eh ! — [Smacks,] — can't say I quite approve. 

Tom. Well, I never drank Cura9oa before ; but if it 
wasn't for the name, I should think, papa ! 



y\ 



80 THE OMNIBUS. f ACt I. 

Dobba. Tom! 

Tom. What a queer taste it leaves in the mouth f 
Dobbs. Horrid — shocking, upon my life — pah ! 
Ledg. Oh, this is throwing pearls to swine ! You won't 
try another glass, then 1 

Dobbs. No, thank you ; a little of that goes a great 
way. Bless my soul^ — hope I'm not going to have an at- 
tack of vertigo. Oh, dear, my head feels very odd ! 

Tom. So does my stomach — oh, dear, papa ! Oh, lauk! 
I believe I'm going to faint — I am, too — oh ! 

[He sinks into a chair — Julia holds her smelling bottle 
to himM-gatt bell rings — another omnibus appears 
— dogbarhs. 

Enter Rooney, e. 

Roon. Another omnibus, sir ; and the company rolling 
out as if they had upset a bushel o' potatoes. [Exit, r. 

Dobbs. Hope it's my wife — 'pon my life — haven't made 
my will yet, and I — I really feel very uncomfortable. 

Tom. So do I : I've got quite an all-overness. 

Ledg. [Looking at them.] What the plague, are they 
both going to be laid up? [Exit Dobbs and Tom, r. 

Enter Kooney, JbUowed by Ladies, c. gate. Ladies down r. 

Roon. Mrs. Dobbs, sir — and Miss Damper, sir — and 
Mibs Jemima Damper, sir. 

Mrs. D. Well, brother, here we are — and in such spi- 
rits ! I'm afraid we shall turn the house out o' window. 
Julia, my dear, I'm delighted to see you. 

Ledg. Rooney, take these ladies' cloaks. 

[Bowing amazed. — As Mrs. Dobbs proceeds^ Rooney 
takes the cloaks from the Misses Damper, staring 
at each as they turn. 

Mrs. D. I know how you doat on a pleasure party, 
brother ; so I prevailed on these dear girls to oblige us 
with their company for a few days. 

Ledg. A few days ! 

Mrs. D. They can't stay longer than a week or a fort- 
Tiigfht, I assure you. — Miss Damper, my brother, Mr. 
Ledger — ^brother. Miss Jemima Damper — two charming 
young women, indeed — so lively and so agreeable ! Julia, 
my dear! [The ceremony of introductiwn goes on betweeib 
the ladies. 



/ 



SCEI.E 1.] THE OMNIBUS. 481 

Ledg. Lively and agreeable ! 

Roon. Young and charming, are they ? By my sowl, 
they look as dry as a couple o' cane-bottomed chairs, and 
as sour as if they lived upon lemons. 

[Dobbs returns and sits l. of table, groaning. Tom 
follows and leans against stage pillar, r.— ikTrj. 
Dobbs runs to her son, sits r. of table^ and takes 
Tom on her knee. 

Enter Dobbs, r. 

Mrs. D. Dobbs ! Dear me, what's the matter with 
Dobbs ] \B.unning to him.] My dear Dobbs ! 

Dobbs. Oh, Betsey, my love — that cursed Cura9oa ! 

Mrs. D. Cura^oa, at this time in the morning ! Cura* 
90a ! 

Tom. Oh, mamma, I'm very ill ! 

Mrs. D. And Tom, too ! Poor, dear child ! — I'm sur- 
prised, brother, at your want of caution : give Cura9oa to 
an infant like this ! 

Ledg. Pooh ! he only swallowed a thimblefulL Julia, 
my dear, take these ladies into the drawing-room ; and 
Rooney, give me a glass of that liquor. One would ihink 
they had swallowed Hellebore, instead of the finest cor- 
dial that ever was drank. 

Roon. [Pouring out.] And the ladies, sir — may be the 
ladies would like a small taste of the cratur 1 [He offers a 
glass to Miss Damper, who turns away disgusted, and ex- 
its.] Eh ! Miss Jemima perhaps 1 [Jemima turns up her 
hands and follows her sister. — Exit Julia, r.] Oh, are you 
thereabouts 1 [Mimics.] I wouldn't trust it alone wid either 
3f 'em, for all that. [He gives the glass to Ledger, who 
nps at the same moment that Rooney puts the bottle to his 
mouth.] So, here's good luck to myself — Och ! boo — oh ' 
['m kilt ! 

Ledg. Pah! gab! [Splutters.] You infernal rascal, 
ivhat have you put in that bottle ? 

Roon. This bottle 1 

Ledg. That bottle of Curagoa that I left in the buffet ? 

Roon. In the buffet, is it ? [Looks round and misses bottle.] 
Murther ! we're all poisoned ! [ Tom and Dobbs, who rouse 
themselves at the moment Rooney and Ledger take the 
'tuff, advance. 



22 THE OMNIBUS. [Act 

All. Poisoned! poisoned! 

Roon. Every scwl of us, outright intirely ! Och, 'twaa 
enough to poison a fire-eater and all his relations ! 

Ledg. Here's a pretty business ! But I'll not believe it. 
Poisoned, indeed ! With what 1 

Roon. Oh, masther, you've a dale to answer for — think 
o' murthering all the company wid the ould gray mare's 
physic ! 

Dohbs. What, mare's physic 1 A doctor, a doctor ! 
Let me make my will ! Oh, Betsey, my dear ! 

Tom. A stomach pump ! oh ! 

[Exeunt Dobhs, groaning^ and Tom, crying, tt- . 

Ledg. You villain ! where did you put the real Cura9oa 
that I left in the buffet 1 

Roon. Sure I took it down to the cellar, for fear the 
maid servants should get at it and misbeha^ve themselves. 

Ledg. Well, I'll take special good care you sha'nt mis- 
behave again — I'll pay your month's warning, and get rid 
of you at once. Here, go and change this fifty pound 
note — eh ! why, where is it ? I left it on the table. 

Roon. And if you look for it in the top shate o' paper 
you'll find it. 

Ledg. The top sheet — why, I wrote my letter upon 
that ! 

Roon. You did ! Divil fire me, then, if the note isn't 
gone to Bordeaux. 

Ledg. To the very man I said I couldn't lend sixpence ! 
Oh, you eternal meddler ! 

Enter Julia, r. 

Well, Julia, misfortunes never come alone — I guess how 
it is — Tom and his father ^oth dead, I suppose 1 

Jul. Dead ! Not they, indeed. Dreadfully frightened, 
to be sure ; they didn't drink enough to do them any 
harm — but they are merry enough now. 

Ledg. Come, that's one relief. — But I must really get 
rid of Rooney — he has worn me to a thread. 

Roon. [Aside.] And a pretty tough thread it must be, 
if that's all that's left of you. 

Ledg. Made me send fifty pounds to Bordeaux that I 
wanted to keep in my pocket. 

Jul. What, in this letter, sir? [Holding it up. 



J 



,«IfE I.l THE OMNIBUS. 23 

Ledg. Eh, how ! [ Takes letter, opens it, and rejoices. 

Roon. Oh, the powers ! has she been all the way to 
Bordeaux after it 'I That flogs the stamers ! 

Jul. Foreign letters mu^ be post-paid — so this was re- 
t'jrned. J0[Bell rings — omnibus appears. 

, Roon. 'Pon my sowl^^ere's another omnibus. 

Ledg. Another ! 

Enter Tom, running, r. 

Tom. Oh, Julia, you'll be so pleased ! Oh, uncle, such 
a lot o' little boys and girls ! They'd have passed the 
door, only mamma has beckoned to 'em, and the omnibus 
will return to set them all down directly. 

Ledg. Beckoned ! To whom ? 

Tom. Lauks! don't you know? It's Mr. and Mrs. 
Wadd, and all the family. 

Ledg. All the family — Zounds ! they have thirteen chil- 
dren ! 

Tom. Yes, but thtey never come out more than ten. — 
What a jolly party we shall be ! [Runs to the door at hack. 

Ledg. Julia, we'll leave the house— we'll fly the coun- 
try ! Rooney, when that omnibus returns, take two places 
:o London — I'm off*! JuHa, my love, put on your bonnet. 
Rooney, get my hat and stick, and put the gray mare to 
rhe one-horse chaise — we'll all be off"! 

Roon. The poor gray mare's just dead, sir. 

Ledg. Dead ! 

Roon. Yes — how could you expict otherwise — oivinff 
"ler physic to other people ! [Exit, r 

[Bij this time the Dobbses, Dampers, S^c, are all as- 
sembled from R. 

I/eJ^. I'm sorry to leave so pleasant a party, but the 
ountry is too quiet for me. 

Mr5. i). Why, brother, you don't mean to leave us ? 

Dobbs. Very odd, 'pon my life ! 
[Roo7ieij returns, and gives Ledger his hat and stick, r. 

Tom. Lauk, uncle, where are you going to ? 
' ^1'^ff [flapping on his hat, and seizing Julia's arm, 
ohich he draws within his own.] To a convenient distance! 
^»e of the most remote settlements on the vSwan River! 



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